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Been think alot when school ended... Heard Wen Shao in the gallery playing his Clarinet.. Timothy and Gerald were there... Asked Wen Shao if I could play his instrument for awhile.. Gerald immediately said NO.. Wen Shao continued to play, Orgeon, Canon unes basse (Canon in D)... Seems like nothing only Timothy is asking me, but Gerald too.. "Got girlfriend like that lar..." I just don't understand their mentalities... So what if I know this gal?? Does that make us boyfriend-girlfriend immediately?? For the last time, I don't have a girlfriend... I have friends that are girls... so whats the big fuss about that... I guess this is all due to the way we were brought up... Gerald and Timothy both come from Montfort Junior like I do... Although we were never in the same class... Being in a boys school for 9 years does shape the way the individual thinks and behaves... Deprived of female company (of the same age), I guess makes a guy think narrowly... but not me, even thought I've been in a boys school for such a long time.. mixing with gals isn't any different from mixing with guys... I don't treat them any different.. I'm still myself, not another person.. I already set for myself the core values that make up me since I can start to think for myself.. I don't utter vulgarites, (unlike some of my schoolmates..) those who have been with me would know.. All those vulgarities cannot be learnt.. its all years of influence.. I'm not susceptible to these influences.. I make my own judgement... The harshest word I'll use is "crap" as in "Oh crap, I didn't do my homework.."
Gerald and Timothy both have sisters, I don't.. Even my neighbours are all guys... My cousins are mostly guys... still they behave in this way.. maybe I'm being to judgemental about them.. but this is how I feel.. maybe its curiousity or hormones?? if they put it in another way instead of "Jeremy, you got girlfriend anot??".. maybe "how's you and ____ getting along??" I'll answer... For the record, I had never had any girlfriend or such in my life.. up till now anyway.. just friends.. I'll probably not get into a serious relationship till JC or something..
So Gerald and Timothy left after that.. I just sat there.. listening to Wen Shao.. Laid down on the bench.. he's still playing... so laid there and stared at the ceiling... I'll try to recall as much of the thoughts that went through my head at that time.. my sorta self-reflection.. (doesn't require a mirror to do that you know?) mostly thought about what Gerald said.. what I've wrtitten above... also thought about Gerald's NO.. I really hate taking NO for an answer... My greatest fear is not so much of heights and such.. actually do love heights, rollercoasters especially.. but more of rejection, denial...
So laid there and thought.. watched the fans spin.. got dizzy after that.. closed my eyes.. cleared my mind of school and all that stress.. and just thought... got up. Wen Shao was playing the beginning part of Oregeon.. A slow and sad-sounding part.. Dunno why, but shedded some tears.. not that his playing was tremendously beautiful.. maybe of self-pity... I never show any of my thoughts physically... Suppress them.. Grabbed my bag and walked out of school after that...
Got this sense of hyper-awareness when I go through these deep thoughts.. Met Dave at the gate of the school... waiting for his parent to come fetch him.. asked him where he lives.. Hougang Ave 7 is pretty near here... I could walk there easily... Couldn't be bother with him... Continued my way back home... calmed myself down just by typing all my thoughts out.. feel better already...
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.:JeReMyChAn blogged on 6:13 pm:.
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